Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
