Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
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You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
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I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
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