That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
