Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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