So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
