Pappa wants mamma naked
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Randomize
