Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
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some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
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