tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
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Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
21 Rideshare Drivers Had to Drive These NSFW Passengers
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.