i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
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Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
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I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
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