I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
You work out of a Hotel?
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
