A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
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