White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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