The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Randomize
