im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
