I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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