Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
