I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
