I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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