Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Randomize
