I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
