im drinking this country out of the recession.
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
I FOUND THE LEGS
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
