sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
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