my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
