My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Randomize
