well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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