Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
