you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
