I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Randomize
