As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Randomize
