he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Randomize
