Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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