I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Randomize
