I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I am spending my child support on dildos
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Randomize
