You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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