That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
