I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Someone came in the potted fern
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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