Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
