I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
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