she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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