All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
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