i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
that girl last night was a 15
wait she was 15?
no like black jack not sure if you should hit it
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Randomize
