You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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