yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
