I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
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