May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
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You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
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I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
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