Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
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Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
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Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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