oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
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