She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
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