Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
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