You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Randomize
