I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
