is it really this hard to find a guy i can fuck and have a good time with who doesn't ask where things are going btwn us?
you sound like my dream girl
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
