Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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