why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Shame - the story of my life.
Randomize
