i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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