Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Randomize
