Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
