My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
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